Unrequited Love

And it was the second time I had seen her that day, once earlier on the bus and then at the library where I had come to sit alone and read my books.  She came up to me and asked for directions.  Holding a cell phone in one hand and looking out the window, she was nervous and her body moved and rocked back and forth.  She had to lean against the wall to keep balance.  I gave her directions. She said thank you.  And I never thought I would see her again.

***

I had very little money and lived with my parents.  They were happy to have me around as long as I worked a little here and there.  The only job I had was as a background extra in movies and TV shows.  I had to wake up at 5 am just to make it to the set on time.  Shifts ended up being 11 or 12 hours long and they were boring. We stood in the back of scenes pretending to be talking to each other, pretending to be real people.

***

It was just another day at work, changing into my wardrobe for the scene, and I sat down at a table with another guy my age.  At least this time I had someone to talk to.  He told me he was trying to be an actor and was set to appear in a small role in an upcoming film.  After a short while a girl came by who knew him.  Her hair was parted to one side and hung over her shoulder and she held it in both hands.  She smiled at him and looked at me.  She didn’t just look, but saw me and stopped smiling just for a second.  In that second she held my gaze and I smiled.  She smiled back and turned back to the actor.

I sat there looking around as they spoke and she sat with us.  I listened to music and got lost in the lyrics.

“Hey, so what do you do?”

I turned and realized it was her who was asking me.

“I’m just doing this for now,” I replied as I stopped the music.

“My name’s Amanda, it’s nice to meet you.”

“I’m Dan. Nice to meet you.” I smiled and shook her hand.  She had light brown skin and slightly curly hair.  Her eyes were so big and deep black.  I was lost.  Her body was slender and she was dressed in tight clothing.  She hadn’t changed for the scene yet.

That day on set went by quickly.  We talked in between takes and I learned how she wanted to be an actress and was working as a masseuse at a hotel and doing auditions.  She had ambitions and I only dreamt of love.  I knew there was nothing there.  I had nothing to give but myself.  After the day was over, she asked if I could give her a ride and I gladly said yes.

We drove and talked about our lives and where we were planning on going.

“I want to go to India.  Go far away from this place and just travel,” I told her.

“I would love to go to India,” Amanda said and she gave me a long look. “What do you want to do there?”

“I don’t know.  I just want to go there.”  But I did know.  I wanted to escape.

We made it to the station where her train was coming.  She left her number and gave me a hug.  I said I would call.

***

A few days had passed and I was at the library.  I always sat at the back against the windows so I could look outside at all the people.  I read about philosophy and people who left everything to travel the world.  People like Ibn Battuta who traveled across the Middle East, to India, and even China.  I would dream of traveling from place to place with nothing holding me down, no possessions, just giving and receiving love from strangers who would become my brothers.

“Hey! It seems like I always see you here.”

I snapped back to reality and turned and saw that it was that girl who asked for directions.  I smiled and asked if my directions were okay.

“Uhh yeah, thanks again.  So why are you always here?”

“I like to come here and read.  I can’t concentrate at home.  What about you?” I didn’t really care but wanted to act curious to be nice.

“I’m going to school for nursing and come here to study.”

“Oh that’s nice. Well, it was nice seeing you again.”

“You too.  What’s your name?”

“Dan.”

“I’m Ria.  It’s nice to meet you.”

“You too.”

She smiled and walked away slowly.  She walked with purpose and I sat there aimless.

I continued my reading and the hours passed.  The sun was going down and this was my favorite part of the day.  I gathered my things and walked outside into the warm air.  I breathed it in fully and looked at all the people moving here and there and noticed someone looking back at me.  It was Ria.  She waited for me as I walked up to her.

“Heading home now?” I asked.

“No I’m going to meet with some friends.”

We walked together for a while and talked about how she was working part-time as a nurse while finishing her schooling.  I told her how I’m not really sure what I want to do.

“I’m trying to find something, but I’m not sure what I’m looking for.  School is an option but I’m not sure.”

“I think you should go to school.  You can use it to do whatever you want,” she said and her voice sounded so sure.

The only trouble was knowing what I wanted.

“Well, I’m heading left here,” she said, “but I think we should hang out sometime.  You seem like a nice guy and we could just go for coffee or something?”

“Sure.”  I didn’t really know what else to say.  She seemed nice and having a new friend couldn’t hurt.

***

It had been a week since I dropped Amanda off at that station.  I wasn’t expecting us to meet but I thought I should call her anyways.  She picked up the first time I called her and I hesitated as she said, “Hello?” twice and then I finally said, “Hi.”

“Hey Dan, it’s nice to hear from you.  How’ve you been?”

“I’ve been pretty good.  What about you?  Land any roles yet?”

“Uhh yeah, actually I might be in a commercial raising awareness for the children’s hospital.”

“Oh nice. I hope you get it.”

“Thanks.”

There was a pause and I had to remind myself why I called in the first place.

“So I was just calling to see if you wanted to maybe hangout sometime?” I knew I wasn’t asking her on a date, but I was nervous for some reason.

“Yeah, definitely.  I’m free this weekend.”

***

A couple of nights passed before I thought to call Ria.  I called her and she didn’t pick up.  She called back before I could put the phone down.

“Hello?” I said.

“Hey Dan, sorry I was busy.”

“No problem, I was just seeing what you were up to?”

“I was just studying. I have an exam tomorrow.”

“Oh, well, I don’t wanna bother you.  I’ll call you another time.”

“No, I can talk for a bit. What’s up?”

“I was gonna see if you wanted to hang out still?”

“Yeah I do.  Uhh…I’m free tomorrow after my exam at around 4.  Is that okay?”

“Yeah that works for me.”

“Awesome. Let’s meet downtown by the library then.”

“Okay, see you then.”  We said our goodbyes and I looked forward to talking with someone other than myself.

I arrived by the library and saw Ria standing there.  I hoped she wasn’t waiting for long and she wasn’t.  We started walking through the crowded streets.  There was a festival going on and there were people everywhere.  I wanted to go somewhere else so I asked where she wanted to go.

She looked me in the eyes, gave me a wide smile and an innocent look and asked, “The beach?”

I loved the beach and so we made our way through the crowds and walked down the hill.  Along the way Ria talked about her job and how hard school was.  She told me how she thought I was different from other guys.  I thought that was strange since she barely knew me.  I could have been crazy for all she knew.

By the beach the sun was low but it was still warm and a cool breeze with the smell of seaweed and sand surrounded us.  We walked by the edge of the walkway against the water and sat on a bench.  We looked towards the other end of the city over the water and the sun reflected brightly off of the buildings.  People played in the water and were sun tanning along the long beach.  Couples, and cyclists, and people walking dogs crossed us as we sat there watching the world.  It was like we weren’t even there at all, but peering in through a hole in the wall that nobody knew was there.

“So what do you like to do?” Ria asked.

“I like to read mostly and enjoy painting and art.  Just recently I watched a play, Death of a Salesman.”

“Oh really, that sounds pretty cool.  I’ve seen some plays before”

I didn’t know if she really thought it was cool but I asked, “What was the last play you watched?”

“You should be asking what the last play I read was?” and she went on to tell me about a play about a girl and angels or something like that but I wasn’t really paying attention.  I was more impressed that she actually read things like that.  Not many girls like her did that.

We talked for a long time about our families, how we grew up, where we went to school, and other random things.  Music, movies, and work, and even how we both looked to escape from where we were.  She asked if it was strange that she came up to me and asked me to hang out.  I told her I never had another girl do that but that it was good.  I told her she wasn’t shy and that she was independent and confident.

“Do you have any other friends who are girls?” she asked.

“…No…I don’t.” I felt awkward in being asked that question.  I thought this was a friendly date.

“Why?” she asked.

“I used to but not anymore.  We just lost touch.” I hoped she wouldn’t ask me anymore questions about that part of my life.

“Well…I thought you were pretty cute when I first saw you,” she said and I knew what was coming and she continued. “And, well, I still kinda do.”

And she looked at me and I stared forward.  I didn’t know what to say and my mind raced to find an answer.  I never thought she would be interested in me like this and I only wanted to be her friend.  My heart was pounding.  I thought about just telling her I didn’t feel the same way so that I wouldn’t be leading her on but I didn’t want to hurt her feelings.

“I’m not really…looking for a relationship right now.”  It was an honest answer but not one that seemed believable.  Not to anyone, and especially not to her.

There was a quick pause before she said, “Yeah that’s fine.  I think we should just be friends.” She replied quickly and I knew she must have been a little embarrassed or hurt.  She left herself naked before me and I respected her for her courage.  I just didn’t feel the same way.  I knew who she was and who I was and how close the similarities were but how deep the differences were.

We left soon after and walked back to where the buses were.  She had a long face but smiled when she caught me looking at her.  I didn’t know what else to say.  We made it back to where we went our separate ways.  She thanked me for spending the afternoon with her and I told her I had fun and that we would speak again.  She had love in her heart and I liked that.

***

The week was over and Amanda called me to make sure we were going to meet that night.  She asked to meet by the coffee shop near her work.  I arrived early and waited for her.  She finally came quickly, gave me a hug and told me she was starving.  She wanted to go and eat dinner somewhere.  As we made our way to my car, I didn’t know, but thought maybe this was more than friends getting coffee.

We drove to the west end of town and pulled up next to a small restaurant that I had never noticed before.  The front of the place had a large open window and it was busy inside and dimly lit.  All you could hear was a loud hum of voices over the sound of plates and silverware and cooks calling their orders.  Everyone had a glass of wine and the air was heavy.  I felt slightly out-of-place but loosened up with the wine.

“So, how is that commercial coming?” I asked as we browsed the menu.

“Pretty good.  I go in for filming on Monday.  Have you been doing a lot of background work?”

“I’ve been getting a couple days here and there.  I haven’t seen you at any more shoots?”

“I’m only available a few days a week because I work at the hotel full-time.”

“So do you live in the city?” I asked.

“Pretty close actually, just a few blocks away.  You can come over later and meet my roommate.  She’s here from England for a while and I’m letting her stay at my place.”

I nodded and smiled.  The conversation was hard to keep going.  It was so loud.  I couldn’t decide what to order and let Amanda have her pick.  It was all the same to me.  I wanted to know more about her.

“So have you traveled at all?” I asked.

“Mostly with my family.  We traveled to India, Thailand, and Europe when we were younger.  I miss those days.  They were more…romantic in a way.”  She played with her food and went on, “I would love to go to India again.  Why are you going again?”

“I just want to travel and see the world.  I…I like the way people live there.  More simply,” I said and I was starting to get warm and light-headed from the wine.

The conversation veered into politics and family and then into our lives.  Amanda thought it was strange that I lived at home.

“Do you want to move out?” Amanda asked.

“Of course.  I don’t like being at home at all.  But I need to get a good paying job before I can do that.  How long have you been on your own?”

“Pretty much since after high school.  I actually went to go live on a farm in Texas for a year,” she said with a smile and laughed.

“Texas? How?” I was so intrigued now.  I had never heard of anyone doing something like this.

“I met this guy through some friends who was from Texas.  He was a real hillbilly type. A hick with a straw in his mouth.  We started talking over the phone and we would have these long conversations and he was just a really nice guy.  He told me how he lived on the farm and I thought it was beautiful.  He asked me if I wanted to come and stay with him.  I said no at first but he kept asking and I thought what the hell, I don’t wanna have any regrets and so I went.”

I couldn’t believe what she did.  She had courage to leave like that.  Especially with someone she only met once in person.  I thought about how she lived her life consciously and didn’t just go through the motions of following the path carved out by our parents or the media.  She was brave and I admired that.  She told me I should go to India if I want and not to let anything hold me back.  The conversation continued about God, and relationships, and desires.

I’ve noticed people love talking about their desires.

We had finished our wine but not the food.  We left the restaurant and headed to my car.  I could see that she was tipsy from the wine but I just hoped she was alright.  She called her roommate and let her know that we were coming.  Going into her old building we walked up carpeted steps to her door.  Walking inside it was a nice, but small, apartment.  It had hardwood floors, a couch, a bed, and a small balcony with a view of the street across the way and the sky.  I sat down and she poured herself a bowl of cereal.  I met her roommate who was a very nice British girl.  We talked about random things like movies and listened to songs we liked.  Her roommate then went into her room and Amanda and I sat down.  I was on the couch and she sat on the bed.  We looked out the balcony as the door was slid open and the night air came in and reminded me of summer.  It was hot and sitting there, looking at the stars, I felt right.

Amanda asked me to sit next to her on the bed and I did.  We sat and looked out onto the street and Amanda told me she had a good time and that we should see each other again.  I leaned in towards her and we kissed.  Her lips were soft and her tongue moved in and out smoothly.  I held her by her hips and pushed her down and she wrapped her legs around my waist and pulled me closer.  She bit softly on my lower lip and I began to kiss her neck.  I worked my way down to her breasts and pulled her shirt up and over her head and removed her bra.  Her breasts were large and soft.  I kissed her stomach and continued kissing her straight down.  She unzipped my pants and I pulled hers down.  I hovered over her and just looked at her.  She pulled me closer with her legs and we kissed and it was as if there was no time left in the world at all.  Everything melted away and there was nothing left, not even us, just that embrace and raw feelings of ecstasy in the summer night.

But then I came back to this thing called reality.  And it was me sitting there looking at her from behind as she washed her bowl in the kitchen.  And I realized who I was again.  I sat there and knew I couldn’t do anything.  She came back and said she was going to take a shower and sleep because she had work early the next morning.  I got up to leave and thanked her for inviting me over.  She offered to walk me out but I told her I’d find my way.

I walked down the steps and could only think of going back, knocking on the door and when she opened it I would push her against the wall and we would make love.  But I was reminded again of who I was and I kept walking.  I walked outside and she stood on the balcony blowing bubbles with a bubble wand.

“Thanks for coming, I had fun,” Amanda said.

“I did too.  I’ll see you again?”

She bent over the railing and blew bubbles towards me.

“Of course,” she said. “See ya later homeboy.”

I walked to my car and sat inside.  This is what I wanted I thought.  I just wanted to be friends.  I didn’t want anyone.  I just wanted to be friends.  And I saw her sitting on top of me by the open balcony in her apartment, with the streetlights illuminating her body and then I remembered where I was going and I stopped dreaming and drove away.