Just. Do. It.

As soon as I come home

it felt like I was never gone

all the people asking me

did I find something out there

tell me please I need some certainty

and when I tell them there’s nothing

their hearts still won’t believe

still praying please

somebody out there witness me

tell me I’m alive and that

you’re here with me

talk to me

just a whisper would set me free

but I digress

I’ve had a long rest

time to work because I found time

when I thought there was nothing left

working all day on an empire

shaping bricks by hand

balancing friends and family

I feel like a man

on a wire, you have to

ask for what you want because

there’s no self fulfilled desire

my vision was blurry

so I changed the tint now everything’s rosy

life’s a playground

but games aren’t always happy

struggling to get by can just

be getting by without the thoughts that can cost your life

because we can be happy

standing in any light

but too bad we can’t choose

somebody else is talking

we’re just holding the mic

Mental Masturbation

would it feel better if all your feelings were true

if everybody gathered around and listened to you

if the whole world conspired with you

so you could let your heart out and have it held

like you were a child

and escape into dreams of space and living in the wild

through thickets of vines you machete your past

only to be confronted by what was holding you back

but this time don’t run

call in back up

airstrikes from across the sky

you know what drones are made of?

sitting at the helm, controller of your fate

if only you saw the strings that pulled your feet up on the plate

there’s not enough love so stop the hate

love your ugly cuz nobody else will love your face

and when your walking don’t slip past them have them walk the other way

it’s a lonely world but if you get used to it there’ll be more time to have and enjoy your cake

PSSSHHHTTTTT…

PSSSHHHTTTTT!!!

This just in…I repeat this just in!

if you were listening I don’t need to mention

but I’ll say it again to those who are meditating

clean up your room and wash your plate

he’s coming right now you know the drill

and accept your fate

look around yourself at all the contradictions

how come you always wish but do nothing?

why do I always have to ask you these questions?

if you were only aware you’d be awake and wouldn’t need to listen

but now you call out for help because you’re lost with your children

and now I have to walk blind leading you blindfolded through prison

it’s easy to think you’re stuck when you look around and see walls

but look at yourself and become aware of the world as it rises and falls

your body pushing you to jerk off to spread your semen

while you sit and wonder what’s the point of your mission

just because you asked a question

doesn’t mean there’s an answer

stop the mental masturbation

My Lies

Flames make a beautiful dance

but burns the one who has the fire

once your heart is lit

the smoke cloaks the pyre

My Own Keeper

will the stores be open tomorrow if I die today?
will music still play on the radio if I die today?
will I still be able to travel if I die today?
if I die tomorrow maybe
I heard our lives are carved on scrolls stored in the Akashic records
if you go in my basement I have rows and rows of my journals
documenting every feeling since I’ve been living
when my friends died they asked what will happen
I told them not to worry about asking those questions
when my family died they asked what will happen
I told them we just gotta accept it
when I died I asked God what will happen
He said nothing
it’s hard to accept all the things in life
everybody wants everything
but they always forget about the downsides
like how every relationship has to end
one day she won’t come home
one day the meds won’t work
one day you’ll really jump
and I see it but I go on living anyway
let myself go so when the phone rings I’m free to pick up death’s call
we can build a thousand skyscrapers but we’ll never reach heaven
we can fly to Mars but we’ll never find aliens
we can love the whole world but we’ll never be loved by all
and that’s okay
unlike Tupac I can’t think of one things that needs changing
murderers run free and I won’t be one to chase them
one thing I’d like to kill is people’s thoughts
nobody ever had a good one, just one that was less awful
nothing good has ever been said
if I was in control we’d burn it all down like Alexandria
if I was in charge we’d be dancing around bonfires drinking red wine and wearing no clothes
if I was God we’d all be gone and I’d turn back time so we never were in the first place
you think I’m so negative but I’m positive in the realest way
you think I’m not happy but my face hurts from smiling
they say I am nothing
I said so what’s the problem
I should
I need
I want
I is so high maintenance
I, could use a vacation
maybe die and put it in the freezer in the basement

Death List

I wrote a list of all the things I want to do before I die.  Yesterday I found the list under my bed and read it again:

I forgot what I remembered

just come home
and I’ll forget you ever left
how I wish I could replay
those memories of your very first steps
when we walked together
and talked together
stayed up all night and had sex forever
why do you keep these distances
when your standing right by my side
why do you turn the other cheek
when you know you don’t have to hide
you know I never made you hold anything back
whoever you are I just wanna welcome you back
so how long will you go saying everything’s fine
and then sleep all day waking up past nine
and tell me you’re going out for a drive
I don’t know who else is in your life
or if paranoia is on my mind
I thought things were always open with a wife
just because you don’t wear a ring doesn’t make it right
you know what you hold in your hand
you can’t say it’s not your fault if you don’t give it back
maybe you’re punishing me, taking a stand
but I never did anything to you that’s what makes it hard to swallow
in the pit of my stomach I can’t take it that’s why I search for new things to follow
maybe in a past life I caused someone so much sorrow
God forgive me if I caused someone else to suffer
but why does she hide herself and run away from her lover
if there’s another
I would forgive her
and if she didn’t want forgiveness
I would bless her
and if she just lost all love for me
then I would leave her
but you can’t say that I don’t care
when the only reason I’m still here
is because I can’t handle everything out there
I want to do everything with you there
so when I laugh I can look at you there
and we can smile together
and we can cry together
even if we die together
or maybe these are just childish dreams
of things I saw on the movie screen
but it’s how I feel and I hope you see
that I’m not going anywhere unless you want me to leave

I have to leave but maybe you’d like to join me

thoughts come out the window
of my brain before I go insane
lay them down on paper
leave a trail in case I drown
myself in tears of rain
could I just get one minute
on my lifes stage
or do I have to wait my turn
until you’re all done saying what
you have to say
tell me how to live my life
and how to avoid all the bad things in life
because you know everything about the world
but at night you worry that everything will unfurl
and you’d be left all alone
sitting in a house that’s not a home
ever since everything you believed in is gone

True Romance

My finger won’t pull the trigger and my mind won’t let me settle on one thing until it’s done.  Changing lanes repeatedly. Repeatedly. I am lost in desire, caught in the trap of desire for no desires.  Is this too complicated? Can you hear me? What are you going to- wait, that’s not what I wanted to say. Someone was saying it on TV.

The problem was dreams all along

the sky doesn’t rain, it’s the clouds
it’s not the heart that hurts the most, but my mind
the thoughts that drag me down a road of restlessness
as I sit to gather them all but instead they scatter me

and words fail me and so do my thoughts
and I search for something better than what I have
before realizing that there was nothing to be had all along
there is only what is laid before us
if only we could lay ourselves bare as well

Work. Life. Love.

We are taught that if we want to be successful, rich, powerful, achieve our dreams, and have everything we desire then we need to work hard and be dedicated and committed to whatever our dreams are.  Rise early and put all of your heart into your work and sacrifice whatever it takes to achieve your goals.

But what if my dream is to live simply, with as little as possible, and go about my days doing nothing.  What if I choose to accomplish nothing but survival and enjoy just sitting, and talking, and going for walks or writing poetry. If this is my dream, then shouldn’t I have to work less, put less effort into my life, and take it easy?  But I can’t.  To live with nothing I must work just as hard as someone who wants everything.

It is absurd.