My Shift is Over

okay, okay
I walked home after work
thinking about payday
wondering if I just stayed an extra hour would it all be worth it
but I get on the bus and forget it
on to the next one
worrying about real problems
what’s left now that I have no responsibility
only room to eat
nothing else is worthy
my friend calls me
and asks if we can meet
it’s only six thirty
and I haven’t even watched any TV
I need my fix of youtube still
and maybe watch a movie
my nights don’t start until around nine
and then I go to sleep at two
and wake up early
and complain about my dreams
can’t even get out of bed
all I want is to rest just a little while longer
forget about the hunger
and close my eyes to black
living while dead
I know you’ve never heard of that
but it works real well in the end
when your sitting by yourself
and you don’t have anymore friends
I heard your youngest child doesn’t like you
and your hurt
well I don’t know anyone who likes their parents
I don’t know what that observation is worth
my mother called me yesterday
and said I haven’t been home in a while
I said if I wanted to hear complaining
I’d hang out with one of my friends in a relationship
and see all of the things I’d hate to deal with
and I love the way she says oooh ooooh
on that Spaceship track
I might be a dropout but I never said I wanted any of that
you give me advice
but I never complained about anything
you tell me I’m miserable
but you’ve never seen my without a smile
sometimes it takes a long time to finish a poem
and I just don’t have the patience
I wanna get it all out in one stream
like I’m puking out my feelings
not the best simile
but then I’m not the greatest poet
I just hope you understand me and for those who feel the same way
at least you got it
I don’t expect to change the world or sell out the stores
most people won’t ever read my words
or maybe like Van Gogh I’ll be famous after I’m dead
but I don’t like living in fantasies
I’m just happy writing what I wish I had said

I believe in Saul Williams

always thinking
always thinking about what’s next
what should I do now?
where should I look now?
thinking again and again
wanting this and that and the other
a neverending ream of thoughts and feelings
bubbling up from underneath our gut into our heads
until our minds explode with ideas
and we speak our souls to each other
not knowing that our mouths are a trap
and other peoples ears are poachers
when I look at you it makes me sick
I want to kill children
I want to destroy the world
everything that came before is now after
the world spins and turns so much I am dizzy and nauseous
I need to sit down but there is no still spot in the universe
the stars look at me like what the fuck
when I asked God to prove his existence to me
I heard my breath
but it might have been nothing
I believe in Saul Williams
how many of us travel at night so we don’t feel lonely?
I am at home on the beach by the water
if all grains of sand are different
then who gives a fuck?
when I look out the window I see unnecessary
I know that was grammatically incorrect but you still understand the effect
that rhymed
open up your heart to try and accept others and you will find
that you just don’t care anymore
as I pause to think of another line words come to me until I latch onto one
and then another
building a sentence out of thin air with rules outside of my control
words come from nowhere but saying they came from me makes me popular
my nose is crooked
my back hurts
work is the most hellish thing ever created
if I had workers I would let them all go and fire myself
and we would party all night until there was no food left
and nothing to drink
that would be worth it
and we would live by doing only what is necessary and share with each other
my mother does not understand the lies that make up the foundation of life
my father chases dreams of fortune knowing they are like bubbles
only beautiful because they are empty
when you break apart the Earth
and split the soil apart
there is emptiness between them
and between the emptiness more soil
but between the soil more emptiness
that came from the Huckabees
if the world was like Heaven we would chase after Hell
if the sky was red maybe we wouldn’t ask why
sleep is a waste of time
so is eating and sex and pissing
education has been so important in my life I didn’t go to school
sacrificing the lamb we get blood
sacrifice you and you don’t get anything
but you’re sacrificed
I thought that would be nice
I don’t know how to end this poem
maybe I’ll type forever creating a record of the world and my thoughts
over the decades and it will be continued by future scribes for centur-

L-O-V-E

words ring in my ear and they always felt true
never questioned the source like a fundamentalist
I was a terrorist
never ending narration of my life
trains running through my mind
my heart pulled by a puppeteer
beating faster then slower then not at all
aching at night
in the morning a strange taste in my mouth
eating is a chore
space is not empty but smaller things that create distances
actions are not our choices
I am not I nor anything else
I wish I could stand objectively on the edge of the world
if there is a God does he care about us?
if I love you does it really matter?
the tighter I hold the more you slip away
everybody I know tells me to go left or right to reach the middle
could they all be right?
I’ve heard many paths lead to the same place
I have walked many paths and they led nowhere
having stopped running I have found myself everywhere
could this overflowing feeling that makes me quiver be called love?
are there feelings to which we cannot ascribe words?
there is this thing
this thing that overcomes me and pulls me and I can’t let it go
free will has abandoned my life
how can you hold me responsible?
if I could wrap up the world as a gift I would not give it to anyone
thinking leads to thinking and these thoughts drive me crazy even though they aren’t true
sometimes I wish words did exist and I could pluck them out of the air
then at least I would know truth
how it feels
how it tastes
time machines give us an escape from reality and lead to fairy tales
dreams give us hope that dies with the present
this life is full of feelings but we ignore most of them
for the first time I am truly feelings everything
it is a gift and a curse
every feeling is a vibration that multiplies as I watch it travel from my head to my chest and my knees buckle in fear
if I ever felt true love
it would kill me